Dear Uganda,
Gather your wigs, hide your constitutions, and prepare your funny bones—because your favorite presidential fossil, General Yoweri Kaguta “I Will Never Retire” Museveni, has just announced (again!) that he’s running for president in 2026.
For the seventh time. SEVENTH. Like a Marvel sequel nobody asked for.
Now, let’s pause and reflect. The year was 1986. Madonna was still a new artist, Nelson Mandela was still in prison, and dinosaurs were probably still roaming parts of Uganda. Okay, maybe not dinosaurs, but Museveni definitely was—and he hasn’t moved since.
The man has been in power so long that Ugandans are now born, grow up, graduate, get married, and complain about fuel prices—all under one president. It's giving: State Capture – Extended Version.
And to be honest, if power was a couch, Museveni is that uncle who came to visit 39 years ago, sat down, and never left. He just keeps adjusting the cushions and changing the curtains—but he’s still on the same damn couch.
Let’s talk hats. Yes, the wide-brimmed safari hat. That hat has seen more elections than most of us have seen birthdays. It has more political mileage than the Ugandan road network. Honestly, if that hat could talk, it would probably say, "Even I need a break."
But wait—don’t be fooled into thinking Museveni’s just a regular dictator. No, no, no. He’s a DIY dictator. He didn’t just break the rules—he deleted the rulebook and formatted the hard drive. He removed term limits in 2005, then got rid of the age limit in 2017, because apparently 75 was “too young” to stop ruling. What’s next? Getting rid of gravity because it slows down his campaign walks?
And the family? Whew. His son Muhoozi was out here flexing for 2026 like a spoiled child at a school concert: “I wanna be president too, Daddy!” But then suddenly, plot twist! He says, “Let me rather support my father.” Excuse us? What in the monarchy-lite is going on here? Is this Uganda or Keeping Up With the Kagutas?
Meanwhile, the opposition is out here trying their best. Bobi Wine is dodging bullets, Wi-Fi shutdowns, and suspicious court orders while singing about democracy in auto-tune. The rest of civil society? They’re playing musical chairs—with tear gas.
And Museveni? Unbothered. Unshaken. Unemployed somewhere in a parallel universe, but definitely still employed as Uganda’s head of state. He’ll pop up on national TV and give a whole lecture on goats, maize, and patriotism—and somehow convince the country he’s “bringing fresh ideas.” Sir, the only thing fresh here is the audacity.
Let’s be honest: this isn’t just a presidency. It’s a hostage situation with air conditioning.
So here we are again, fellow Africans, preparing for another election that’s more rerun than reality. Will Uganda finally serve the man a retirement cake, or are we watching Museveni: The Return of the Incumbent – Part 7?
Stay tuned. Stay hydrated. And to our brothers and sisters in Uganda—if the man wins again, please at least make him change the hat.
